Sometimes the planets align, and they are at the moment. It’s difficult and confronting but has to be done. I realised there are a couple of issues I haven’t dealt with in terms of my food addiction and one of those is all the babies I lost to miscarriage in the 80s. The other issue is one I am not ready to talk about with anyone but I am quietly dealing with it in my own way.
How have the planets aligned? More and more of the people around me are becoming grandparents, which increases my awareness of my childlessness. I’ve had a few people, quite randomly, talk to me recently about their own miscarriages or stillbirths. I’ve read some stuff seemingly by accident. I was going through my weight loss journal looking at the pre-surgery psych work and on the page about my babies I had started to journal then had written ” I can’t write more for now” and never completed it. And so on.
I sometimes go to Hawera Cemetery in my lunch hour. I tell myself it’s because it’s green, quiet and there are very few people around. I realised this week, talking to someone I trust who has also has the surgery, that I go there to be near the memorial stone for angel babies.
Today I was talking to one of my staff about this and I said “well, I always lost the babies very early on so it wasn’t a big deal” or words to that effect. And it struck me … I have been telling myself that lie for more than 26 years. Because each time there was a baby, and each time I did face the loss. The loss of a future child, birthdays, weddings, grandchildren and so on.
How am I dealing with it? I have my final appointment with the weight loss clinic psychologist soon because it’s 2 years since my surgery, so will talk to her. But I am also journaling a lot, dreaming and not sleeping, removing myself from social media a bit to give myself space, hugging my husband and just letting all the feelings come through. What I know for sure, to quote Oprah, is that I am dealing with this so it never derails my weight loss, and stops beings something I lie to myself about – it did hurt, and it does matter. Thanks for listening!
Cath Sheard 
I was very moved by your post today Cath. We all have our painful stories – circumstances/issues may be different for each person, but underneath the facade we display to others and often our own denials build a brick wall around those hurts and the longer we ignore our “shadows”, the stronger they get and eventually this protective shield become too much to carry. Truth will set us free in the end, once we start shedding some light on those areas that have been holding back our unique gifts. I also tried journalling years ago, but obviously, I wasn’t going deep enough, to get pass the initial sadness in not owning up to the grief…the stages are so hard to go through – we just don’t want to open up the wounds…For me, it felt like all I would be left with is an unbearable gaping emptiness. The poet Rumi sums this up so well: “Sorrow… It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”
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Thanks for replying, I’m going deep this time round – 30 years on it’s time to deal with the grief properly no matter how many scabs I have to pick off…
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